Sometimes I Have To Scream Out!

Let me forewarn you. This may not start out pretty.
Every once in awhile I think about Clayton having autism and I just get angry!  It seems to be happening more often and the catalysis for the angry mom can be different at times, but no doubt it is always deep and always real and always ends in tears.
This time it began with a lot of "whys".  Why does he have to struggle so differently?  Why can't he go to school like everyone else and learn?  Why can't he have the same experience he did today every day?  (He had an awesome day at school.  They read Christmas stories and drank hot chocolate :)).  Back to the angry mom!
While this time of the "angry mom" began with "whys'", it quickly turned into "whats".  Some of them I had only visited very briefly with but never allowed myself to really get to know these "whats".  What if he isn't able to go to this amazing school next year?  What if he won't ever live on his own?  What if he won't get married?  What if he won't have a regular job? What will happen to him when, not if, something happens to us?
Since I'm being honest, I'll say it.  I hate these questions.  I hate them because I don't have the answers, or not the answers I think I should have.
So I texted my BFF to pray for me and these "whys" and "whats".  And like the great BFF she is, in the middle of her own struggle today, she prayed for me and encouraged me to look up an old song called Praise the Lord.  I found that song, and a new song with the same name. I could highlight the words from each that speak so preciously to my heart but it is pretty much all of them!  So I'll post them below and encourage you to read them.
Before I post them though, let me take another minute to tell you what God said to me through my friends prayer and the songs.  "In every moment, Jesus Christ is Lord," (Oops I quoted a line from the song!)  God also said to me that His promises over Clayton's life WILL NOT CHANGE!  He has great things for Clayton!  Sometimes we have to scream out to God the "whys" and "whats" before we can be reminded of the great promises and see the great to come.  I've been fighting these all day.  Actually, the "whats" I've been avoiding fighting for more than today.
My precious Savior didn't avoid the "whys".  "Why Father?  Why have You forsaken me?"  Jesus had been beaten, starved, and endured nails being driven through his hands and feet,  I'm sure he didn't ask in a calm sweet voice.  He was in pain!  And how painful was that moment for Jesus to get to the point of crying out to His Father, God Almighty?  After all, He was Jesus!  But not long after that moment He said something else.  He said, "It is finished."  He knew even through the pain that something great was going to happen!  He claimed the hardest part was over.  His Father would redeem Him!
I know my Father, Clayton's Father, will redeem him too.  I know because He says He has "plans to prosper him, not harm him."  I know because Clayton is God's child and he will "inherit everything the Son inherits".
OK, maybe I will quote another song lyric, "Praise the Lord, for the chains that seem to bind you drop powerless behind you when you praise Him."  Drop powerless behind me chains!  I praise You Lord for the miracle of Clayton!  I praise You for the fact that He does not change!  I praise You that I can walk today!  I praise You that Clayton had a great morning of fun at school!  I praise You Lord for sending me a hot cowboy to be my husband!  I praise You Lord that said hot cowboy husband is faithful every day in providing for us financially and spiritually!  I praise you Lord that said hot cowboy husband also loves me like crazy, in spite of my crazy!  And now I will praise You Lord for cheeseburger macaroni with my family :).

Prsie the Lord by Russ Taff (yes you read that correctly)

When you're up against a struggle, that shatters all your dreams
And your hopes have been cruelly crushed by Satan's manifested schemes
And you feel the urge within you to submit to earthly fear
Don't let the faith you're standing in seem to disappear
Praise the Lord, He will work through those who praise Him
Praise the Lord, for our God inhabits praise
Praise the Lord, for the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you, that they drop powerless behind you
When you praise Him
Now, Satan is a liar and he wants to make us think
That we are paupers, when he knows himself we're children of the King
So lift up the mighty shield of faith for the battle must be won
We know that Jesus Christ has risen and the work's already done
Praise the Lord, He will work through those who praise Him
Praise the Lord, for our God inhabits praise
Praise the Lord, for the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you, that they drop powerless behind you
When you praise Him
Praise the Lord, He will work through those who praise Him
Praise the Lord, for our God abides in our praise
Praise the Lord, for the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you, that they drop powerless behind you
When you praise Him
When you praise Him
When you praise Him
When you praise
When you praise, you praise the Lord
Praise the Lord

"Praise The Lord"  The City Harmonic

Praise the Lord when it comes out easy
Praise the Lord on top of the world
Praise the Lord ‘cause in every moment Jesus Christ is Lord
Even in the middle of the joys of life
There is always grace enough today to
Praise the Lord
Praise the Lord
Praise the Lord
Won’t you praise the Lord?
Praise the Lord with the world on your shoulders
Praise the Lord when it seems too hard
Praise the Lord ‘cause in every moment Jesus Christ is Lord
Even in the middle of the long, dark night
There is always grace enough today to
Praise the Lord
Praise the Lord
Praise the Lord
Won’t you praise the Lord?
Praise the Lord if you can sing it at the top of your lungs
Praise the Lord like every moment is a song to be sung
Praise the Lord: though it might take blood, sweat and tears in your eyes
There is grace for today so praise the Lord
There is grace for today so praise the Lord
Praise the Lord
Praise the Lord
Praise the Lord
Won’t you praise the Lord?
There is grace for today so praise the Lord

I see You!! I hear You!!

So this morning there was a lunar eclipse.  According to the news, both local and social, the best times were 3:00, 4:15, 5:15, 5:30, 6:00, 6:45...  So we went with 6:25 because that's when Clayton was getting up.  It was pretty cloudy as I was out first walking the dogs.  But suddenly the clouds cleared and it was the brightest red moon I'd ever seen.  I yelled, in the dark, for everyone to come out but at first they didn't hear me.  Once they did the clouds came back.  But no worries, they eventually cleared and we all got to see how amazing it was.  This was only the first of the many ways Jesus was fighting for my attention this morning just so He could say I love You.  The sunrise on the way to school was amazing!  Then I saw the most beautiful rainbow that went straight into the sky, not turning, but like a light shooting straight up from the ground and getting lost in the clouds.  The earth was saying it loves Jesus too!  Then I got the sweetest text from my gift, my Cowboy.  Oh how I love him!  Once I got home my niece who was staying with MeeMaw shouted out the window,"I love you Aunt LaLa!".  
Oh it's just too much Lord.  I knew what He was doing.  He was saying, "Good morning my most precious creation.  Don't forget, I love you, no, I adore you.  When you look around at all of these beautiful things and find joy when they shine their brightest, remember that I have even greater joy when I look down and see you shine.  You are amazing!"
That is MY Jesus!  That is MY Father!  That is His Heart inside of me!  
All I could say to Him was this, "I see You Lord, I hear You Lord, and I love You, no, I adore You!"
Lots of things will fight for my attention today,  But I will sing of Your strength; 
I will sing aloud of Your steadfast love in the morning. For You have been to me a fortress and a refuge in the day of my distress. Psalm 59:16.  I pray Lord I will remember that You are willing to fight the hardest for my attention, I just need to acknowledge You.  And nothing will ever compare to the beauty of the fight You will display for me, both in the good and the not so good.  I will see You, I will hear You.  I love You, no, I adore You!

Made for more than "this"

     I was driving home tonight and the song Beautiful by Mercy Me came on.  The premise of the song is that sometimes we all feel like we're unworthy when in Jesus we are actually worthy.  BUT God told me something else in that song.  I was struggling with some bitter thoughts towards a person when the song came on.  Part of the chorus says, "You're beautiful, you're beautiful.  You are made for so much more than all of this."  I heard God saying to me, you are beautiful and I made you for something more than all of this bitterness.  Bitterness is not beautiful, but I made you beautiful so let it go!!!!
     That got me to thinking.  "This" is different to all of us at all different times in our lives.  Tonight my "this" was bitterness.  Yesterday it was shame.  Tomorrow it may be attitude or impatience with the slow cashier.  Or it my be unforgiveness, physical pain, emotional pain, scarring from a hurt so deep its been hidden.  Whatever "this" is for me, and for you, in this moment, we were made for so much more than "this".  I am beautiful, I was made for so much more than "this", so I will let it go, or I'll try to let it go, or show me how to, or give me endurance to push through today's "this".  But whatever my "this" is I am going to remember that I was made for so much more.  Why am I so much more than "this"?  Because I am His.  
Psalm 139:14

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well"
Colossians 3:12

12 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
I am chosen by Him!!  I am His!!!!

Beautiful by Mercy Me
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C2o0jHNRuU

Turning Eleven

Clayton is turning eleven in six days..  How did we get here so fast.  It seems like we were just starting to try to get pregnant, and now we are done.  Turning eleven means a lot to him.  He said he was just ten and now he will be in his ten's!  Well turning eleven means a lot to me too.
Turning eleven means time is going by fast and I need to make sure I'm spending every moment I can watching him, laughing with him, "instructing" him, and plain old loving on him through all of those things and so much more.
The above means turning eleven is saying to the calendar, slow down. 
Turning eleven means he's almost big enough to sit up front in the car.  But it doesn't mean he has control of the radio.
Turning eleven also means he's ALMOST a preteen.  ALMOST!
Turning eleven means he's officially the oldest kids among most of our friends.  He's in a new category all together, but I love that he doesn't care and loves to play with all of them.
Turning eleven means a lot more too, and a lot to both of us.  But there is one thing it does not mean.  It does not mean he is not my baby.  He will always be my 5 pound 8 ounce little monkey.  He's just heavier and I can actually understand what he's saying.
Slow down calendar.  Slow down just a little bit.

Mercies!

Wow its been awhile! I think of things to blog about all of the time but I've been lazy. Yep, no other word to say about wanting to do something but never doing it except-Lazy! But I am choosing not to be lazy this morning because I am surrounded by such blessings. I've thinking about all we've been through, me, Richard, Clayton. We are so blessed to be loved by so many people. Their love is just amazing and I know the source of that love. And I know that ultimately its only the love that Jesus gives that has given me any peace and endurance through hard times. His love leaves me speechless. His unfailing love leaves me speechless. Abuse, terrible choices I've made, MS, infertility, autism, miscarriages, my husband going to a job he hates every day with willingness and humbleness, .................................................................. I am speechless Lord. Mercies!

Mother's Day at Clayton's School!

Here's the essay Clayton wrote at school today along with a "fill-in" sheet about me! Both tears and laughter were present.
"My mom is helpful when she helps me with my homework. She wakes me up in the morning at 6:30. She picks me up after school. I love her so so much. She is the best mom I could ever have. I love her. She helps me with my math. She loves me. She helps me with my homework. She reads me bedtime stories. She kisses me good night. She drives me to school in the mornings.. She makes me breakfast. She makes my lunch. She helps me clean my room. She lets me take a ten minute break during my homework. She is nice to me. Love, Clayton"
Fill-in the blanks:
My my mom is 33 years old. She weighs 10 pounds and is 10 feet tall. Her favorite food is tacos and for fun she likes to play. Her shoe size is 8. My mom is funniest when she dances. When mom gets mad she sometimes gets mad. She sleeps 10 hours at night and looks like flowers when she gets up. Her favorite place to shop is at Wal-Mart (smart boy). It takes mom 8 hours to put on her make-up. My mom is pretty as a butterfly and a sweet as a flower. I love my mom and wouldn't trade her for a dime.
Top 10 reasons why I love my mom:
10. I love my mom because she reads me: bedtime stories
9. I love my mom because she helps me: with my homework
8. I love my mom when she makes me laugh by: telling me jokes.
7. I love my mom because she taught me how to: read
6. I love to hear my mom sing: anything
5. I love my mom because she finds time to: play
4. I know my mom cares because she: helps me
3. I know my mom is smart because she: knows math.
2. I love my mom because she works so hard at: school.
1. I love my mom because she's the best mom ever!

Deuteronomy????

My friend, for some crazy reason, started reading Deuteronomy a couple of months ago. She shared it with our worship band and it got me curious. I called it crazy because I've never gotten past the first chapter. I have no good excuse but just to say that honestly the Old Testament always scared me, excluding the Psalms and some of Proverbs of course : )!
I never really liked history in school and I thought the old Testament was just a bunch of facts and endless lists of names. I knew all of the "cool" stories of course. Moses and the burning bush, parting of the Red Sea, Daniel in the lions den, David and Goliath, all of those stories we learned as kids, but I was never really taught the power of the words in the Old Testament. Yes its history but now I've found that the statement that "history does not repeat itself" is quite untrue, thanks to my friend who has now gotten me excited about Deuteronomy! Yes, I love it! Yes, I cringe at some verses because of the truth, but mercy sakes shouldn't we shudder with fear and love of our God's power? Isn't that what He asks of us?
OK, so what has me all excited about reading this ancient account of history. Its exciting because I believe I'm living it. These first chapters are all about how Moses lead them out of Egypt and now they are just wondering around looking for the Promised Land. Don't we all have a Promise Land on earth we are waiting for? Dreams, desires that God has placed in our hearts and minds? Some have one and some have a bunch! That would be me!!!!! I know I've reached some of my Promised Lands, like marriage, the birth of a child the doctors told us would never be! Now I'm looking into other plots of Promised Land. You may say that's selfish but goodness isn't God bigger than anything we can imagine? Why wouldn't there be more than one Promised Land for us? He wants best for us in everything. Now sometimes He allows "bad" things to happen because we have consequences to our sin and other times its just because we live in a place that's not the final and most glorious Promised Land, and sometimes its because someone around us sins.
I think what I am learning from this ancient book is that yes, there is a Promised Land, or lands, but its not always that easy to get into it. Sometimes we walk up to a sea and its parted right then and there before our eyes. Love that Grace! Then other times we have to wonder around a bit and go through some experiences before we get into The Land. God asked Moses to make sure that the people knew that this was going to be a challenge and that they needed to follow God's every word and plan in order to reach it. They needed to trust in His provision of food and shelter. They needed to trust in the map to get there. They needed to wait patiently and worship Him through all of this in the mean time. They were going to have hardship, brought by His desire to have them see their need for ONLY Him as their God, and also brought by the ignoring His direction.
I think about that with our Clayton. Yes he was born with autism but God created him in His image. (I didn't make that promise by the way, God told it to me in Genesis : ) ). So Clayton is only supposed to be the best God has created him to be. That's the Promised Land for Clayton. Healing, recovery, and restoration from the side effects of autism. But boy is the journey to the Promised Land difficult at times. I've become an organic, gluten free, milk free, process free, crazy person and it is hard! And sometimes I have to "torture" him in order to teach him to cope with things.
But even with all of the difficulties, challenges, and tears, it doesn't change the Promised Land. Its still the same. I might change the time it takes to get there because i don't follow the map, and sins of the world might change it too, but its still there and its still exactly what its named, a promise of perfect beauty, rest, protection, love, endless healing, greater grace than I have known, and its permanent.
Oh the joy of stepping out of the comfort zone of my favorite passages! Now I have new ones. New promises of The Land ahead for myself, my church, and my family and friends. Thank You Lord for history that does repeat itself, just help me not to add to the whole sin part! ha ha. you know I can't be serious for too long!
So what is your Promised Land right now? Go to the may in Deuteronomy and find out how to get there! And let's plan on having coffee at the foot of our King's table when we get the ultimate Promised Land!